Time

I am in Middle Tennessee.  Have been since Sunday night, actually.  I had wi-fi installed in Mama and Daddy's house today, so that when we come here in the future, we don't have to live computerless.

It has been an agonizing week.  I brought Finn with me, and discovered on the trip up --- discovered twice, to be exact --- that he gets carsick.  And he's been very (understandably) whiney when I've had to leave to undertake all this paperwork, then very (understandably) clingy when I return.  I've tried to keep my outings to a minimum, but what you find when you try to wrap up a deceased parent's affairs is that one necessary form always leads to at least two others.  And appointments must be made.  And it is cold and raining and then snowing, and you are on such an edge that you are eating your anti-anxiety medication like candy.  And when you finish a day's traversing, you start downing melatonin and ibuprofen PM so you can just go to sleep and not have to feel the panic anymore.

I've had people offer to come by, to talk to me on the phone, but I simply haven't been able to face that.  I've been so frantic, so distressed that I knew having to talk with anyone would undoubtedly send me right over the edge.  So I've lain here with my feet elevated and my heart pounding, and poor little Finn skooching up as close to me as he can get, begging not to pass out.  Or crack up.

And I have to come back and do this time and time and who knows how many more times again before everything is really done.

I just can't look at any of that right now.  It's too, too, too much.

Ah-Cheer

For someone who didn't actually see her daughter all that much in the last week, I have somehow managed to come down with the most aggravating symptoms of the head/chest cold that was wracking Hannah's health while we were in Tennessee.  Sore throat (actually, it feels like someone is rasping my throat with a saw), cough (which makes the throat even worse), fever, headache. . .  I feel miserable.  Thankfully, I guess, the death certificates have not arrived yet, so I don't have an imminent trip to Nashville.

 

 

(This is precisely how I feel.)

 

We brought Riley, Mama's cat, home with us, and have been trying to ease her into live at The Chez.  Hannah made some real breakthroughs in the last couple of days, with Riley volunteering to spend time with her --- even purring.  I've never, ever heard that cat purr.  It will be interesting to see if any of the progress is lost, now that Hannah is back in Atlanta, and won't be back until mid-December.  

The rather spindly little artificial tree that I bought after Christmas last year is up.  This is the first time in Briton and Hannah's lives that we haven't had a live tree.  But they understand.  The tree isn't decorated yet, but we'll get there.  The stockings are up, and a few Nativities are out. . .  It is beginning to maybe start to feel like Christmas.

How about at your house?

 

 

Lately

I'm in a black mood.  Feel like I'm getting sick.  Feel like I'm flailing and thrashing about with no direction or anchor.  I'm mad.  I'm frustrated.  I can't sleep.  I want to be left utterly alone.

 

Dear God, please don't let this mean another medication has stopped working.

Of a Wednesday

Still cannot get over the knitted Bee Gees.  Maurice is especially spot-on.  I did a needlepoint pillow top of the "Main Course" album (the one right behind the dolls), and had a yoked shirt with that "Bee Gees" logo embroidered on the back.  I had/have the Gibb fever bad.  Ask anyone I went to high school with.  Or anyone who spends more than a half hour with me.

 

Back to the chiropractor with me today.  My right shoulder was out of joint.  Go figure.  There is just so much going on with my body right now, I can't keep up.  And it's hard to know what is influencing what, what is standing alone.  The worry over that is leading to panic attacks.  Which, I found out this afternoon, my mother is afraid will lead to a heart attack.

 

Yep --- I needed another dire circumstance idea planted in my head.

 

 

So Let's See

A week ago, I have my gall bladder taken out very suddenly. I'm bruised from stem to stern, with all the internal pain that goes along with that.

So I've been sleeping a bit awkwardly, first in the hospital with the IV, then at home to avoid the discomfort.

A few weeks ago, I took that horrid fall that resulted in what I'm convinced was a concussion.

For how many months, I've been stressed by my life. And I've found out I carry my tension on my left side.  Lots of stress, lots of pressure for my left side to be carrying.

The last two nights, I had such a pain in my left neck that I was on the verge of tears.  I could tell one of my vertebrae was out of line, that I needed my chiropractor, but I figured I could white-knuckle it.  Maybe it would get better.

Last night, I was in an agony I don't believe I've ever experienced before.  Pain and fear and pain.  I hung on until about 9 PM so I could take some Percocet (I'm running out), but had to gave in and called my chiropractor.  At home.  After not seeing him for a couple of years.

He saw me this morning and declared me "A wreck.  A physical mess."

But he popped my neck back into place.  And worked on my back, which caused me the first pain I've every felt during an adjustment. A good pain, I suppose, but still a hurt. Told me to take double doses of Aleve today and tomorrow, go back and see him Monday.  He proclaimed my neck problem "solved."

That eased my mind some.  And I've had to say it to myself several times since I've been home.  I am uncomfortable and nearly out of pain medication and by myself.  (Briton has been with his girlfriend this whole time.  Hannah's working the haunted house in Atlanta every weekend.)  Not embarrassed to say I've been scared to the point of having to melt Ativans under my tongue and get my feet up higher than my head so I won't faint.

Don't go back to the surgeon for another couple of weeks, but will definitely be calling the office and begging for an extension on pain meds come Monday.  Some calmer tonight, thanks to the chiropractor.  But sapped of the crazy knitting urge.  Which is bad on two levels: not getting things made for the etsy shop, and not giving me something to think about other than what's happening inside my body.